August 5, 2010

i would really like to

eat a large banana split reeses ice cream a box of cereal bread with peanut butter waffles with syrup and probably some cheese just for kicks.  then throw it all up.

TMI?  yeah, it’s too much for me too.  the fact that that is even appealing at this point is SICK, dammit.  there is no reason for me to feel like eating my entire fucking kitchen.. i’ve eaten 1300 calories today.  

i feel incredibly fat and the weight isn’t coming off.  i don’t know what to do.  i could eat less—but that would eventually lead to a downward spiral of eat, vom, eat, vom some more.  

AND PEOPLE TRUST ME TO CARE FOR THEIR CHILDREN?!

August 5, 2010 • 7 notes • confessionsabouteatingdisorders

86) A few months ago I thought I could quit my eating disorder whenever I wanted.

confessionsabouteatingdisorders:

I just realized that I can’t and it’s controlling me.

August 2, 2010 • 5 notes • confessionsabouteatingdisorders

37) My bulimia used to be chaotic, now it makes everything except my body easier to handle.

(via confessionsabouteatingdisorders)

July 27, 2010 • 42 notes • awfuljusttosee
hipsandthighs: nofootprintsinthesnow: (via awfuljusttosee)

hipsandthighs:

nofootprintsinthesnow:

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July 20, 2010 • 11 notes
July 18, 2010

i wish i knew

i honestly wish i knew why being hungry all day felt better than not.  

i wish i knew why i felt guilty for putting anything other than vegetables in my mouth, even though i force myself to eat other things so i won’t lose weight too fast. 

i wish i knew why i can’t just eat normal meals, multiple times a day, instead of waiting until i could chew off my own arm to sit down to a “meal” or a binge that i’ll throw up.

i wish i knew why sugar, fat, processed foods, animal products, simple carbs, and drinks with calories terrify  me.

i wish i knew why being thin is my obsession, when really i’ve always been on the thin end of my weight spectrum and i am not a shallow person at all.

it’s not about weight.  it’s not about food.  it’s not even about me at all.  fuck all of it.

July 18, 2010 • 6,488 notes • stephenesque
allons-y-alonso: TUMBLR AGAINST ANOREXIA This is just to say, I’m sick of seeing these so-called ‘pro-ana’ comments.  I’m sick of reading ‘Oh, I’m having such a fat day, I had some butter on my single slice of bread, now I’m off to the treadmill lol’ I only ever see anorexic site-models, with perfectly matching lingerie, and painfully thin ribs sticking out. Everyone is beautiful. I personally think that a woman’s curves are stunning. The UK average is size 12-14, I believe.  So, this is why I’m making a stand.  This is me. This is what a skinny, but healthy 15-year-old-girl is meant to look like.  Sure, I’m thin. But I’m not anorexic. So don’t comment that I am, or that I’m attention-seeking. This took a lot of guts, I’m only 15, and haven’t got my body out properly for anyone.  This is purely to alert people who are ignorant to the fact: Anorexia is a mental illness. Sometimes, I hate today’s youth. I see people say ‘Oh, I wish I was anorexic, everything would be better, and people love me, cause I’d be pretty and skinny.’ It’s not a decision. It’s not a fucking blessing, it’s a curse. There are still people who believe that anorexia is a method of attention-seeking, or just an attempt to loose weight. That’s bollocks. If you don’t believe me, search it in wikipedia.  Eating disorders in any shape or form, not just anorexia, are as serious as any other disease. You wouldn’t say ‘Oh I wish I had cancer, or depression, or schizophrenia’ I have a severely anorexic close friend, and the worst thing about everything, is feeling so helpless. It’s living in full knowledge that I can’t help, and sitting on the sideline, watching it tear her and her family apart. Cause she’s not in control of it, and that’s what makes it so terrifying. It’s a vicious, downward spiral. So, if you’re reading this (and thank you, to everyone who’s given up their time to do that), support this cause. Reblog, let people know, and hopefully the message will spread, and be heard. If this reaches just one person, I’ll have achieved something. Because, anorexia is not something to be taken lightly. It’s not something you can make tasteless jokes about, or use as an insult. It’s not something you can wish upon yourself, or on others. And no one should ever ‘envy someone with anorexia, cause they’re thin’.

allons-y-alonso:

TUMBLR AGAINST ANOREXIA

This is just to say, I’m sick of seeing these so-called ‘pro-ana’ comments. 

I’m sick of reading ‘Oh, I’m having such a fat day, I had some butter on my single slice of bread, now I’m off to the treadmill lol’

I only ever see anorexic site-models, with perfectly matching lingerie, and painfully thin ribs sticking out.

Everyone is beautiful. I personally think that a woman’s curves are stunning. The UK average is size 12-14, I believe. 

So, this is why I’m making a stand. 

This is me. This is what a skinny, but healthy 15-year-old-girl is meant to look like. 

Sure, I’m thin. But I’m not anorexic. So don’t comment that I am, or that I’m attention-seeking. This took a lot of guts, I’m only 15, and haven’t got my body out properly for anyone. 

This is purely to alert people who are ignorant to the fact:

Anorexia is a mental illness.

Sometimes, I hate today’s youth. I see people say ‘Oh, I wish I was anorexic, everything would be better, and people love me, cause I’d be pretty and skinny.’

It’s not a decision. It’s not a fucking blessing, it’s a curse.

There are still people who believe that anorexia is a method of attention-seeking, or just an attempt to loose weight. That’s bollocks. If you don’t believe me, search it in wikipedia. 

Eating disorders in any shape or form, not just anorexia, are as serious as any other disease. You wouldn’t say ‘Oh I wish I had cancer, or depression, or schizophrenia’

I have a severely anorexic close friend, and the worst thing about everything, is feeling so helpless. It’s living in full knowledge that I can’t help, and sitting on the sideline, watching it tear her and her family apart. Cause she’s not in control of it, and that’s what makes it so terrifying. It’s a vicious, downward spiral.

So, if you’re reading this (and thank you, to everyone who’s given up their time to do that), support this cause. Reblog, let people know, and hopefully the message will spread, and be heard. If this reaches just one person, I’ll have achieved something.

Because, anorexia is not something to be taken lightly. It’s not something you can make tasteless jokes about, or use as an insult.

It’s not something you can wish upon yourself, or on others. And no one should ever ‘envy someone with anorexia, cause they’re thin’.

July 18, 2010

ungrateful.

my mom called me ungrateful today.  i got back from visiting a friend for the weekend and she was asking me about it, but her questions were irrelevant to the weekend and were more geared towards being NOSY and PRYING into my friend’s life, so i got annoyed and said she was interrogating me.  

she flipped shit.  and said i was ungrateful and that she and my dad provide so much for me and i treat them badly, etc.

it’s so frustrating, because half the time she gets mad at me when i won’t take things from them or if i don’t want them to treat me any special way just because i’m home for the summer.  i try to stay out of sight, out of mind for them so they won’t think about me and so i won’t cause problems.  i KNOW that it is uncomfortable for everyone involved for me to be at the dinner table—so i limit my presence.  but other than dinnertime, there isn’t really anywhere else i could be to spend time with them and “show that i’m grateful.”  i said sorry and she just said it wasn’t enough.

i don’t know what to do.   i’m ungrateful because i DON’T DESERVE WHAT I HAVE.  and i don’t know how to accept what i’m given.

July 15, 2010

eat or not eat

I wanted to eat 1200 calories today.  Yesterday I ate probably 1000ish and worked out hard burning 500 cals, and today I burned about 550.  I don’t want to destroy my metabolism or succumb to bulimia once more.  I JUST WANT TO FUCKING LOSE WEIGHT.  I have about 250 left before I go to sleep, and I can’t decide whether to eat.  I want to.  But I fear food, I fear losing control, and I just don’t know what to do.

Eat, and risk losing control?  Not eat, risk losing control tomorrow because my body will be so hungry?  I want to cry with frustration.  I want to be able to eat normally but whenever I try I become an emotional eating monster.  I just literally eat all the time because I think I have “permission” to.  And I actively despise myself the entire time.

Restricting feels better.  Being hungry means I’m okay, I’m not out of control, I’m doing something right (for once.)  But I know from attempting recovery that being hungry (for me) leads eventually- whether tomorrow or next week- to a binge.  I HATE THIS.

July 15, 2010 • 3 notes • dyke-recovery
(via anonymous-girl)

(via anonymous-girl)